


A Leaf and a Marble

by YouHateInvisiblePie



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, canon typical cursing, transgender character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-31 19:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6485164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouHateInvisiblePie/pseuds/YouHateInvisiblePie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reds and blues are on leave. What are Church and Caboose going to do with their time off?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Leaves

"So are you excited about going home, buddy?" Church asked his boyfriend as they stood guarding the blue base, looking to see if the reds were up to something.

They weren't. They never were.

"Oh yes. It has been a long time since I have seen my sisters. It will be nice to see them again."

"I didn't know that you had sisters."

"Yes! They are lots of fun. Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"No."

"I am sorry, you must have been very lonely when you were little then." Caboose was quiet for a moment. "But it's okay because you have me now best friend! And I will make sure that you are never lonely again!"

He then proceeded to chatter on about how awesome Church was, what great friends they were, just how stupid Tucker was, and various other topics that Church did his best to ignore. It was cute in it's own way, not that he would ever admit it, so instead he complained.

"More like make sure that there is never a moment of peace and quiet in my life ever again," Church grumbled, although there was no real bite to his tone.

"I do not like the quiet," Caboose admitted sheepishly. Church hadn't really been expecting a response, but even if he was, it wouldn't have been this. "It is scary, and bad, and means that something is wrong. Quiet is stupid, like Tucker. Worse than Tucker. Like, like, ... I do not like the quiet, Church, let's talk about something else."

"Okay buddy," Church said almost tenderly, although he would never admit it himself and would undoubtedly try but ultimately fail to shoot anyone that tried to say so. "What would you like to talk about?"

"What are you going to do on your leaf?"

"It's called leave, dumbass," Church retorted. Boyfriend or not, it was the blue team leader's job to let the rookie know when he was being stupid. Which was often.

"Normally you are very smart Church, but this time you are wrong," Caboose said confidently. "It is leaves if there are many, but leaf if there is only one. I remember that from school."

"We aren't talking about the type of leaves that grow on trees Caboose."

"I know. We are talking about vacation."

"Which is called leave."

"Is it spelled differently?"

"No," Church answered.

"So it is just like I said, and I am right and you are wrong."

"No, you are still wrong Caboose," Church replied, beginning to lose his patience.

"But how? I don't understand. If it's spelled the same then that means we are using the same word. And if we are using the same word, why am I wrong? Are we both wrong? Are you saying the wrong word too, Church? We should just say vacation. That is easier. That way you don't get confused."

"I'm not the one who is - you know what, never mind. I don't feel like wasting any more time than we already have on this stupid conversation. I am not doing anything on my leave because I am not going anywhere."

"But even the reds are leaving. You can't stay here all by yourself. What happens if you get lonely? There would be no one for you to talk to. And it would be so quiet all the time. No." Caboose spoke and it was a demand. "You cannot stay here all by yourself while everyone is on vacation. You can come home with me! It will be so much fun. Like a sleepover! And Tucker is not invited. No matter how jealous he may get about us having all the fun without him."

"Caboose."

"Not even Captain Cheesecake."

"Caboose."

"Just me and my "

"Caboose!"

"Yes Church?"

"I'm not going."

"Going where?"

"Home with you."

"Oh I know, I'm so excited. Are you excited Church?"

"I just told you that I'm not going with you."

"Don't be silly, of course you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Everyone will be so excited to meet you," Caboose continued talking and ignoring Church's protests.

Those were the words that stuck in Church's head. Meeting his boyfriend's family. Other than the new information that Michael had sisters, Church knew nothing about Caboose's family. No, that wasn't quite true. Back when the rookie had first arrived at Blood Gulch he had said something about his father.

_"My dad always said 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'"_

Those didn't exactly sound like the words of a man who would be particularly accepting of a gay son. Which is what prompted Church's question:

"Hey buddy, does your family know that you are gay?"

"Oh yes, I am gay around my family all the time. I am gay most of the time. Except for when I am sad."

"What? That doesn't make any" and mid sentence, Church realized what his boyfriend was saying. He was getting frighteningly good at figuring out Caboose nonsense now. "Not gay like happy you moron, gay as in you like guys."

"Oh," Caboose replied as if he understood his previous error, which Church severely doubted. "I like everybody. Except Tucker."

Church let out a frustrated sigh. Yeah, he definitely still didn't get it. How to dumb this down further?

"Does your family know that you date guys?" He tried again.

"I like everybody," Caboose repeated as if Church was the slow one. "You, Sheila, Minty, Libbett."

"Are those even names?"

"Pobs, Bernard, Alex, Alec."

"I can't even tell which of those are male or female."

"Well Bernard was a guy," Caboose said, managing to keep his composure for only a few seconds before he started laughing, revealing that he knew what he was doing, and was aggravating Church intentionally. "And you know Sheila was a girl, and you are a guy. Does that help?" He continued to snicker.

"You are lucky I think you're cute, because I would not take that smart-ass shit from anybody else."

"Am I cute enough to go on vacation with?" Caboose asked. "Will you spend your leaf with me Church? Please?" He began fidgeting as he waited eagerly for a response, and that is what did the other soldier in, because how was he supposed to say no to that? His boyfriend looked like an overexcited puppy that wanted to go on a walk. Seriously? Church might be cruel at times, but he wasn't _that_ heartless.

There was really only one response that he could give. "Fine, I'll go with you." He did his best to make it sound like a great inconvenience, but both of the blue soldiers knew that it was all for show.

"Hooray! You are going to love the moon, I just know it!"

"You live on the moon?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Week one of Camp Nanowrimo and already I've spent two days not writing the story that I set out to write this month. It's still the right fandom at least and was inspired by a scene in the story that I'm supposed to be working on. So that counts for something, right?


	2. Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church learns the answer to a fairly important question that he really should have asked earlier, aka "Uh Caboose, exactly how many sisters do you have?"

Caboose's excitement knew no bounds as he bolted off the ship in the direction of the only building that Church could see. It took a few seconds before Caboose even realized that he had left Church behind, but once he did, he returned quickly for him.

"Come on, come on, come on, let's go!" Caboose exclaimed, grabbing the other soldier's hand. This was more so to make sure that he didn't lose him than out of affection. "My house is just over there."

When Church made no effort to follow, his boyfriend stopped trying to tug him along and asked, "Is something wrong?"

 _I have changed my mind and would like to go back to my original plan of spending my leave in solitude._ "No," Church lied. "You just run faster than I do. So why don't you go on ahead buddy and I'll catch up."

For a moment Church didn't think he would get away with such a lame excuse, not with the look that Caboose was giving him. The moment passed though, and the look faded away.

"But you could get lost," Caboose informed him.

"I know it's dark out, but there is only one building out here. How the hell would I get lost?"

"In the house," Caboose clarified. "There are a lot of rooms. It gets confusing. Sometimes I still get lost. We should just stick together."

Unable to come up with another reason to put off approaching the house, and seeing as the man-child standing next to him had begun bouncing in anticipation again, Church saw no way to go with the situation at hand but forward. So he agreed.

"Fine, we will stay together, but I'm not running."

"Okay. I can carry you and run at the same time."

"Caboose, that's not what I -" Church let out an undignified squawk as he was lifted off the ground unceremoniously. He continued complaining loudly as Caboose ran. "Put me down!"

"But we're almost there," Caboose whined.

"I don't care, put me down!"

Caboose came to a stop and put Church back on his feet.

"I'm so excited. We're almost there. Are you excited?"

"Absolutely thrilled. Yay." The sarcasm went unnoticed as they walked.

Church's reluctance to meet Caboose's family was not due to the slight anxiety that everyone has when meeting a partner's parents for the first time. No, this was the niggling feeling that members of the LGBT community, or anyone really who is viewed as different by society gets when walking into a situation where they don't know whether or not they will be accepted. And Church had not been able to get a straight answer out of Caboose about whether or not his family knew that he wasn't, well, straight.

He wasn't worried about himself. Anybody that had an issue with his orientation could go fuck off, and Church would have no problem telling them so. Loudly. What he was worried about was Caboose. What if everything went to shit? That was not an uncommon horror story that happened when coming out. Caboose's family was obviously important to him and Church couldn't tell them all to go fuck themselves while he was a guest in their house. Well, technically he could, and knew that he would if it came to that, but he didn't want to have to.

So he stood and stared at the house, willing the ground beneath his feet to open up and swallow him whole before he had to go inside. He wasn't that lucky though. As he stared, he realized that he had neglected to ask what was by the look of the house, (the absolutely massive house) a very important question.

"Uh, Caboose?"

"Yes, Church?"

"Exactly how many sisters do you have?"

The answer, as it turned out, was seventeen. Seventeen sisters and Caboose. Eighteen of them total. Which meant that when Caboose loudly introduced his boyfriend to the sea of females inside the house, that the two of them were surrounded.

Lesbians were lucky, Church thought bitterly. If they ended up in a potentially homophobic situation they could always lie and say that they meant girl friend and not girlfriend. Men had no such safety net. It was unfair. No, it was bullshit.

Church's plan to get to know the Caboose family a little bit before deciding on informing them that they were a couple, went out the window the instant Michael opened his mouth.

"Hello everyone! This is my boyfriend, Church!"

_Well shit, so much for that._

Thankfully the overall reaction to the new information seemed to be a positive one, because had that gone badly, they would have had a pretty good-sized mob on their hands.

"Hi, I'm Sophie."

"Amanda."

"Natalie."

"Jasmine."

"Maddison."

"Hello, I'm Jessica."

"How did you two meet?"

"Devon that is such a stupid question. Obviously they are stationed together."

"Not necessarily."

"What else could it be?"

"Hello, my name is Amber."

"Did he say your name is Church?"

"How long have you and Mikey been together?"

"I'm Melinda by the way."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Felicia."

"Nancy, did you know that Michael was gay?"

"No, but his boyfriend is quite a looker, so at least he has good taste."

"Hey there I am Alice."

"Will you stop flirting, he's obviously taken."

"And the buzzkill over there is Olivia."

"Hello mister, I'm Delilah. Do you think my dress is cute?"

"Sabrina, quick, go grab her before she walks out the front door!"

"I know Odette, calm down. You act like none of the little ones have ever escaped before."

"And now that you are undoubtedly overdosed on introductions, I'm Jennifer. It is a pleasure to meet you. It seems safe to assume that Church is your surname. So what should we call you?"

"Uh, Leonard. I guess."

"Welcome to the family Leonard. This is about as quiet as it gets."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally, this story was supposed to be a short little fluff piece, two maybe three chapters long. What I typically write though is angst, and well it transformed and ended up way off course from my initial intentions. So it is undergoing massive editing and now will be at least four chapters. I haven't abandoned it though.


	3. Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church has a brief chat with the oldest sister, gets "lost", and definitely isn't staring at Caboose.

"This madness is quiet?" Church asked, looking around the room and taking in the din. 

"Well not quiet exactly," Jennifer admitted with a chuckle. She moved into the kitchen and motioned for Church to follow. Here it was slightly quieter and less claustrophobic. "but with this many people all under one roof it can and will get a lot louder. I just thought that you should be prepared."

"Prepared," Church scoffed, "I don't think that even if I had known how many of you there were before hand that I could have ever be prepared." 

"You mean he didn't tell you?"

"All he said was that he had sisters. So I thought two, maybe three."

"So this is about a dozen more than you were expecting." 

"Fuck, is there nothing else to do on the moon?" He asked, "or were your parents sent here and told to populate the place?"

"Yeah, I guess they are a bit like a space age Adam and Eve."

"There are just so freaking many of you." Church still sounded a little shell shocked. "And only one boy. He is the only son, right? There's not like a dozen brothers off in another room?"

"No," Jennifer chuckled, "just us girls and Michael. He and dad are a bit outnumbered. You make three though, so if it comes down to boys against girls in anything at least you only have to take on six of us apiece."

Church was about to ask how often things ended up being boys vs girls, but before he got the chance Caboose began shouting. 

"Oh no! I've lost Church!"

"And that's our cue to rejoin the rest of the group before he starts really panicking."

"Church! Church! I'm sorry that I lost you! I know I promised that I wouldn't! I didn't mean to lie!"

"That boy is always so overdramatic," Jennifer sighed, but there was clearly fondness in her voice. She raised her voice to call back. "He's in the kitchen with me Mikey."

As Caboose entered the kitchen a look of relief washed over his face. "Oh Church I thought I had lost you!" he exclaimed, picking his boyfriend up off the floor and hugging him just a bit too tightly. "Thank you Jenny. He is so tiny and easily lost," Michael cooed, kissing the protesting soldier on top of his head before placing him back on his own two feet. 

"I am not tiny!" Church complained. "Your family is just a bunch of freakishly tall amazon women. Seriously, what the hell? Is there something in the water?"

"Church you are just short."

Church grumbled. 

"But don't worry. I like that you are short," Caboose assured him. "It makes you easier to carry."

"If you pick me up again I will punch you."

"You seem grumpier than normal," Caboose noted. "Are you tired? We should go to bed, it is getting rather late. We can talk to everybody tomorrow. Goodnight Jenny, and thank you for finding Church for me."

"I wasn't lost."

"Anytime, Mikey. Goodnight Leonard."

"Come on, I will show you my old bedroom. I think it is Olivia's now, or maybe Natalie's. I'm not sure, but it is where we are staying. Let's go," Caboose said, pulling Church along after him. 

Whoever's room it was, they clearly liked cats. Perhaps a bit too much. Even though the room wasn't pink, and there wasn't a decorative plate or doily in sight, it reminded Church of Dolores Umbridge's office. A preteen Dolores Umbridge. Anyway he looked at it, it was a disturbing amount of cat pictures and posters plastered on the walls. And they were staring at him. It was rather unsettling. Caboose however didn't seem bothered in the least. 

"This is our cat Peaches," Caboose announced, pointing to a picture of an orange cat among the sea of feline photography. 

Church however was doing his very best to ignore all the cats, but they seemed to be everywhere he looked. Unavoidable. Omnipresent.  
So he decided that focusing on his boyfriend was the best course of action. 

"Uh, Church, why are you staring at me?" Caboose asked, walking over and sitting down on the bed. 

"I'm not staring, Church replied, taking a seat as well without looking away from his boyfriend. Which he found out wasn't all that hard to do the longer he looked at Caboose's lips. Constantly moving. Open and closed. 

"Oh no! Are your eyes stuck? Because you are still only looking at me."

God he wanted to kiss those lips. Badly. So he did. With no warning, he reached up, wrapped his fingers in Caboose's brown hair and pulled his boyfriend's lips down to a level where he could more easily reach them. 

After a few brief moments, Caboose pulled back, and with a giant grin on his face said " oh, so that's why you were staring." 

"I wasn't staring," Church insisted. 

"Yes you were, but we should really go to sleep now. You need to be well rested for tomorrow," Caboose informed him, excitedly. 

"Why?"Church asked. He may not always pay as much attention as he should to Caboose when he spoke, but surely he would remember something that got his boyfriend this riled up. "What is tomorrow?" 

"A surprise! I just know that you are going to love it. But we have to go to sleep so that tomorrow will get here faster."

"That is not how time works Caboose. It doesn't pass any faster just because you are asleep," Church informed him, even though he knew that his boyfriend was not listening to a single word that he said. He didn't mind though, the excitement was endearing. 

The next thing Church knew, Caboose had turned the lights off and was pulling him down onto the bed so that he could lay his head down on Church's chest. 

"Goodnight Church. See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight buddy," Church replied, giving Caboose a light kiss on the top of the head, which in turn prompted a small sigh to escape from the larger man before he quickly fell asleep. 

Sleep did not come nearly as easily for Church though. The house was just so... loud wasn't the right word. There was just constantly some sort of background noise. Doors opening, footsteps in the hallway, snoring in the next room over. It suddenly made sense why Caboose didn't like quiet. It simply did not exist in this house. That wasn't to say that it was noisy, just obviously lived in. 

Church however was accustomed to sleeping in near silence and found the chatter somewhat distracting. The breathing of his partner laying beside him was a familiar sound that he found comforting so he did his best to focus solely on that. Not much longer, the blue team leader fell asleep, finally at peace in the darkness where he could no longer see the mass of felines staring at him. He could still feel them watching though.


	4. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church meets Caboose's mother, and the sisters bicker about marbles.

The first thing that Church was immediately aware of when he woke up was the fact that he was cold. And seeing as he had a bedmate that put off heat like a furnace, cold was something that Church was unaccustomed to being. Crushed under Caboose's weight and or overly warm, sure, but never cold. Which meant that Caboose wasn't in bed.

Once Church opened his eyes he realized why that was. Cat posters. Everywhere. Right, they were on the moon, which meant that Michael had undoubtedly woken up at some ungodly hour and rushed off to spend time with his pride of siblings.

Church got up, doing his best to avoid eye contact with any of the posters, and went off in search of food. He ran into one of the sisters, Natalie maybe, who informed him that Michael was in the kitchen. So everything that Church was after was conveniently all in one place. Sabrina left, or was it Felicia? Olivia? Church did not know which sister gave him the information, and to be honest, he didn't really care.

When he eventually made it to the kitchen, he was met with the sight of his boyfriend covered from head to toe in flour and what looked to be dough, happily trying to fit an entire muffin into his mouth. The sight greatly amused the little girl, also covered in muffin mix, sitting on the counter.

"Guh uruh uh," Caboose said, greeting his boyfriend with a smile and a wave.

Church's best guess was that he was saying something along the lines of 'good morning', and greeted him in kind, although a bit more groggily. "Morning buddy."

"Iah wahe ooo eh uheh."

"Coffee?" Church asked, hoping that he had heard through the mouthful of muffin correctly. He hadn't. However, Caboose knew him well and pointed in the direction of the coffee pot. "Mmm," Church responded, which was as close to a thank you as he was going to get.

There was already a mug on the counter waiting for him. He filled it up and went to sit at the massive kitchen table where six or seven of the sisters, whose names he wasn't even going to bother trying to remember, were currently seated. Most were eating muffins, and one or two of them had some flour on their outfits. They were not caked in it like Caboose though, and none seemed phased that their brother was, or by the truly disastrous state of the kitchen.

"Muffin?" Someone offered, pushing a plate in Church's direction. He waved them off and continued to drink his coffee and interact with other human beings as little as possible.

He was halfway through his second cup before he spoke again. "Have you taken your pills today?"

Suddenly, the rest of the Caboose pack came barreling into the room as if another part of the house was on fire. They were followed shortly by an older woman who Church could only assume was the matriarch of the clan.

"Girls! Girls! No running in the house! It's just a game. Really, some of you should know better by now."

"Only some of us?" one of the older-looking sisters giggled.

"You will set a bad example for the little ones," the mother chided. "Or frighten our guest," she added when she caught sight of the unfamiliar man sitting at her kitchen table.

"Hello there, I'm Beatrice."

"Leonard."

"He is Mikey's boyfriend," Jennifer explained.

"But Michael isn't supposed to get here until," she paused and thought for a moment. "He got here last night, didn't he?"

There was fervent head nodding from every sister at the table. Which is when she discovered the muffins.

"And he has already started baking." She turned around and saw her son piling dishes in the sink.

When he looked up and saw her as well, Michael broke into an ear-splitting grin. "Hi ma."

Beatrice then walked over to him, and embraced her son in a hug. "Oh it is so good to see you Michael. I have missed you so much."

"I have missed you too ma."

"So your boyfriend is one of the quiet types I see," she commented.

"No, Church just isn't awake yet. The coffee helps. He is actually quite loud." Caboose paused and looked over at Church, who had raised an eyebrow and was giving him a look of mild amusement.

It took Caboose a moment to figure out why. Once he did, he snickered "hey chicka bum bum."

Which resulted in Church snorting so hard that he very nearly spit out a mouthful of coffee.

"I don't get it," one of the sisters said after a moment.

"It's nothing," Church brushed it off, "a stupid joke." Thankfully none of the women seemed to want a further explanation than that.

"Okay Leonard, as our guest you get to pick your color first," Jennifer said, pushing a collection of clear sandwich bags filled with colorful marbles across the table at him. "After that, Michael picks so that he can go clean himself up while the rest of us pick and set everything up. Does anybody have an issue with this plan?"

"Can I pick after Michael?"

"Melinda, just because -"

"It would be alphabetical order," Melinda interrupted.

"No it wouldn't be. E comes before I, and A comes before both of those."

"Fine," Melinda huffed, "Leonard, Maddison, Me, then Michael."

"If we're going in alphabetical order then why aren't we starting with A?"

"Because Leonard is choosing first, Amanda."

As the sisters continued their bickering, Caboose moved over to stand by his boyfriend. "Church."

"Yes, Caboose?"

"Who is Leonard?"

"Me."

"Leonard?"

"Yes."

"That's a stupid name."

"Michael!" his mother chastised.

"I want the marbles that match my armor," Caboose declared, picking a bag out of the pile. "There aren't any that match yours, but there are some that match Tucker's," he pointed out.

"What the hell am I choosing marbles for?" Church asked. "Everyone just started bitching and never got around to explaining shit."

A few of the younger girls went "Ooo," while Beatrice, Jennifer, and a couple of the older sisters gave Church looks, clearly disappointed and disapproving of his choice of words around the little ones. However, Church didn't notice as he looked to Caboose for an answer.

"We're playing chinese checkers!" Caboose exclaimed, throwing his arms into the air and beaming at Church. "Surprise!"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the marbles mentioned in the title! It only took four chapters and as many months to get to them. The next chapter will contain the stupid joke that is the whole reason this story even exists.


	5. Intentions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church learns the rules to Chinese Checkers, and has a nice little chat with one of the sisters. 
> 
> “Of the ‘you break his heart we break your legs’ variety?” Church couldn't help but laugh as the smallest Caboose sister glared daggers at him.  
> “Exactly. What are your intentions towards my brother?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines Day! Also, I am sorry because I definitely wrote this chapter back in November and just forgot that I had written it due to the madness that is National Novel Writing Month. So yeah, I went to start writing chapter 6 and realized that I hadn't posted this one yet... oops. Chapter 6 will more than likely be posted in the next couple of days though, which I hope maybe makes up for it a little bit.

“Chinese checkers?” 

“Your favorite game!” Caboose shouted.

“No it’s not,” was Church’s reply.

“Of course it is,” Caboose insisted.

“I don’t even know how to play,”  Church protested. 

“Now you are just being silly, Church, but you can’t fool me,” Caboose said confidently. “When Tucker and I buried you, that is what we put over your grave.”

“When you what?” someone asked, but the question went unnoticed and therefore unanswered by the two soldiers. Not that any answer they could have given would have made any sense. 

“And we put a plus sign over Tex, so she must really love math,” Caboose continued to ramble. 

Church groaned and put his head in his hands. “That wasn’t a plus sign you idi-”

“So what was it then?’ Caboose interrupted. “Oh! I know now. It was a T! For Tex! That was very silly of me to have not figured that out before.”

“It wasn’t a T Caboose, it was a cross.”

“What was she crossing? Into the afterlife? But then why was yours different? Other than to tell you apart of course.”

Church felt like he was ready to explode, and he looked it too, a sight that Michael was familiar with but that was a bit concerning for the rest of the school of Cabooses. 

“Because she was Christian and I’m fucking Jewish!” Jennifer and Melinda shared a look at his outburst, but both stayed silent and let him continue. “And it’s not a Chinese checkerboard, it’s -”

“Huh, the two do look kind of similar,” one of the sisters observed. “Don’t you think so Nancy?”

“I never really thought about it before,” Nancy admitted, “but yeah, it does kind of look like a star of-”

“Oh, oh, I know this one,” Michael interrupted. “It is called the star of Daniel.”

“That is not quite right, Mikey.”

“Danny.”

“Nope.”

“Dave.”

“Try again.”

“Dale.”

“Not even close.”

“Dustin. Doug. Douglas. Donut.”

“Your boyfriend is Jewish, how do you not know this?”

“It’s called a star of David,” Church let out an exasperated sigh. “And I guess I can see where someone might get the two confused,” he admitted, which was as close to an apology for his temper as Church was going to get. 

“Well not all of us are Jewish,” Nancy snipped, before a realization dawned on her. “Oh. You’re Jewish.”

“We’ve only said it about twenty times now,” Church grumbled. 

“No, you’re  _ Jewish _ . Does your food needs to be kosher? I will admit that I don’t exactly know all that that entails but we will figure something out so that you have things to eat while you’re here.” Nancy rambled in a way that made Church realize that the never ending talking  was probably genetic. Great. Just his luck. 

“It's fine, really.”

“So you really don't know how to play?” Caboose sounded heartbroken at the thought. 

“Well it's not exactly a difficult game,” Caboose’s mother spoke up. “We can teach him while you get cleaned up, right girls?”

There was much head nodding accompanied by “yeah, it's real simple.”, “I'm sure he'll catch on quick”, and a few other comments along those same lines. 

Michael looked at his boyfriend for confirmation though. 

“Well if it's going to be my new favorite game I guess I better learn, right buddy?”

Caboose broke into the biggest grin. “Oh you are definitely going to love it! It is the best game ever! Just you wait and see!” and with that he dashed off to shower.

“Leonard, why don't we step into the other room and I'll explain it to you while everyone else gets their marble colors sorted out?” the sister that Church was fairly certain was Melinda said, snatching one of the sandwich bags from another one the sisters and exiting the room giving Church no time to argue. Or any other options really. He had to follow. Which he did. 

“Was it really necessary for us to leave the room?” he asked once they were alone. 

“Oh I figured that some privacy would be nice so that we could have a little chat,” Melinda replied.

“Of the ‘you break his heart we break your legs’ variety?” Church couldn't help but laugh as the smallest Caboose sister other than Delilah, who was obviously the youngest, glared daggers at him. 

“Exactly. What are your intentions towards my brother?”

“My intentions?”

“Because if you are only with him because he's the only one out there with a, well because Michael is  _ different  _ then we are going to have a problem.  I will not have you or anyone else taking advantage of my brother. Are we clear?”

“No. What the hell are you talking about? Just because he's a little slow on the uptake sometimes doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him. I mean I call him an idiot sometimes, but I call everyone idiots. That doesn't make him special or anything.”

“Oh my word, he hasn't told you,” Melinda said incredulously. 

“Told me what?” Church asked quickly becoming annoyed with the conversation and Melinda’ s elusiveness. 

“It is not my place. Just know that if you hurt him in any way, emotional or physical, I will hunt you down and kick your ass,” she threatened, once again sounding like she had at the beginning of the conversation. 

Church looked her over skeptically. “But you're a pixie,” he replied. “How exactly are you planning on doing that?”

This sister in particular looked the exact opposite of his boyfriend. Michael was tall, broad shouldered, and looked intimidating to anyone who didn't know any better. Melinda on the other hand was small, dainty, and did not look intimidating in the least. She looked as if a strong breeze would blow her away. 

“Oh I'm not going to tell you my secrets that easily. You are a military man, I need every advantage I can get.”

Church chuckled at that. “So are you the muscle for the entire family?”

“Just Michael.”

“Because he's the only brother?”

“Because he is my twin.”

Church snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“I'm serious.”

“And I'm the queen of England.”

“Are you always such an ass?”

“It's just part of my charm, Tinkerbell.”

“Charm,” Melinda huffed. “I've already got quite an extensive list of words to describe you, army man, and charming is not one of them.”

Before Church could reply, a voice rang out from the other room. “Honestly, how long does it take to explain?”

“We're coming,” Melinda called back before turning her attention to Church  once more and rapidly explaining the rules of the game.  “Move all of your pieces to the opposite side of the board.  You can only move in diagonal lines.  You can jump other pieces.”

“That's it?” Church asked skeptically. 

“We are a competitive lot,” Melinda warned. “You'll figure it out as you go,” she concluded before leaving to rejoin the others. 

When Church re-entered the kitchen, he noticed that Melinda had pulled Michael aside and that the pair were talking in hushed tones. 

“Now that everyone is  _ finally  _ back, we can start just as soon as the twins are done with their secret meeting in the corner.”

“They actually are twins?” Church asked, incredulously. 

“Michael didn't know you are Jewish, you didn't know he is a twin. Do the two of you actually talk?” Alice asked, “or do you only -”

“Alice.”

“Kiss.”

“Oh, are we talking about kissing?” Caboose asked suddenly standing next to and definitely startling Church.

“Holy sh-”

Before the blue team leader could finish his expletive though, his teammate pressed their lips together for a brief moment.

“I like kissing.”

“I like pretty candies!” Delilah announced before shoving a handful of orange marbles into her mouth. 

“Not again!”

“Delilah no!

“Those aren't candies!”

“Spit those out this instant!”

And various other concerns filled the air as the pod fluttered about their youngest member. 

“Surely she is old enough to know better by now.”

“It's like Michael all over again.”

“I never ate marbles,” Caboose protested.

“You ate at least one piece of every game that we own.”

Church looked at his boyfriend, trying to figure out if he should even bother asking why. 

“But not the marbles,” Melinda pointed out. “Nothing worked. Not bribing, threatening, daring, promising, or forcing.”

“Not even saying please worked,” Caboose nodded in confirmation. 

“Neither did ‘I will if you will’, and that worked for damn near everything,” Melinda admitted. 

“And you’re worried about  _ me _ taking advantage of him?” Church grumbled. “Hypocritical b-”

“Church,” Caboose grumbled, “calling my sister names is not nice. Say sorry to Melinda. Now.”

“I am waiting,” Melinda said.

“Not you too,” Michael said to his twin. “You have to be nice too. Church is important. Melinda is important,” he stressed to the pair of them. 

“Fine, I’ll be… nice,” Church ground out the words like he was chewing on glass and it physically pained him to even say the word nice, let alone actually be it. 

“And I promise no additional threats,” Melinda added, “although the previous ones still stand.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Good. Now do you think they got those marbles out of Delilah?” Caboose asked, turning to survey the rest of his family who seemed considerably calmer now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe one day they will actually get around to playing Chinese Checkers.
> 
> I am happy that I actually got around to the joke that is the whole reason that I wrote this story though: Caboose confusing a Chinese Checkerboard with the Star of David and thinking that Chinese Checkers is Church's favorite game.


	6. Marbles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church watches and learns how the game is played.
> 
> After sitting and watching the Caboose flock play Chinese checkers for over two hours, Church picked up on a few things : 1) a game with this many players didn't seem likely to be over any time soon.  
> 2) Chinese Checkers is apparently really frustrating if the grumbling and almost curses leaving everybody's mouths was any indication.  
> 3) He probably didn't have the patience to play himself.

With the potential crisis averted, they all made their way back to their seats ready to begin.

"Are you ready Church?" Michael asked excitedly.

"Honestly? I forgot most of what Melinda said already," Church admitted. He remembered the important part of their conversation, the threat, and that his boyfriend had some sort of big dark secret apparently, but all he could recall about marbles was something about diagonal lines.

"That's okay, we can be a team like Ma and Delilah," Caboose replied taking a seat and attempting to bring his boyfriend with him.

"I am not sitting on your" but before he could finish his sentence, Caboose had already picked him up, placed him in his lap, and was resting his chin on top of Church's head.

Public displays of affection were not exactly something that Church was used to. They had not been Tex's thing, his older relationships he didn't want to think about, and with Michael the rest of the idiots in the canyon didn't exactly know that they were a couple.

Not that they were hiding it, it was just that they hadn't been a couple terribly long yet and there isn't much of a point in PDA when you can't actually touch your partner.

So while Church was used to his boyfriend being clingy and cuddly, it was the differing circumstances and audience that caught him off guard.

Church considered getting up and insisting on a different seat, but only for a moment. No one here was going to mock him relentlessly for this. There would be no blackmail pictures. Some of the sisters were even smiling dopily at him, which Church assumed meant that they found the pair of them, god forbid, cute.  
So Church decided to enjoy the moment, and relaxed into his boyfriend's arms.

After sitting and watching the Caboose flock play Chinese checkers for over two hours, Church picked up on a few things : 1) a game with this many players didn't seem likely to be over any time soon.  
2) Chinese Checkers is apparently really frustrating if the grumbling and almost curses leaving everybody's mouths was any indication.  
3) He probably didn't have the patience to play himself.

There was no way in hell that he could go without cursing if an opponent messed up his strategy or blocked a move. Although, the frustration did seem to be part of the fun in an odd way. There were glares and half threats and lots of grumbling under one's breath going on, and that was from the women whose responses to his own cursing had been "my word" and "well I never". So how foul and heated could the language get when this game was played by people with actual tempers, Church wondered.

Scratch that third item in the list. Church definitely didn't have the patience and now desperately wanted to play this with the rest of the reds and blues just to see what would happen. Who would flip the board or try to kill someone first?

The day was almost over by the time that their game finally drew to a close. There has been a couple of breaks for lunch and dinner, but other than that the game has lasted the vast majority of the day.

There were worse ways to spend an entire day, Church decided, and he had definitely spent countless days doing less. It was a decent way to pass the time, and it made Caboose happy.

Surely he could figure out a way for them to play once they got back. Getting a board might be difficult, but maybe he could make one, and if that failed he could just dig small holes in the dirt and use pebbles for marbles. Plus, if it was just them they wouldn't even need all of the holes. He wondered idly about just how many holes were in the center of the board. Even if he could have kept track with all of the moving marbles, he had been nowhere near bored enough to try counting. He hadn't been bored at all actually.

Well, there were moments, but with so many players, it was easy to get distracted or just stop paying attention sometimes while waiting for your turn to come around again. And Church didn't have enough experience yet to spend the time strategizing, and even if he did, he would have had a difficult time of it because his boyfriend had been a bit distracting.

Not used to spending that much time together out of armor, Michael had slowly realized over the course of the day that he could touch and kiss his boyfriend whenever he wanted to, and took full advantage of this by pressing his lips to Church's shoulder and neck every so often.

So while Church has done his best to learn the game, his attention may have wandered from time to time.

Now the game was over and most of the group had dispersed.

Church and Caboose were almost back at their room when Melinda stopped them in the hallway.

"Michael, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, Mindy."

"Alone."

"What did I say about being nice to Church?"

"I wasn't being rude," she insisted.

"That is not the same thing as being nice."

"Would you mind if I had a moment alone with my brother, Leonard?" Melinda asked in an overly sweet voice.

"No problem, Melinda," Church replied, replicating the fake sweet tone.

"There, now was that really so bad?" Michael asked the two.

"Yes!"

"Absolutely!" Came their responses just before Church stepped into the room, and closed the door to give the twins as much privacy as a hallway allowed.

Church didn't have to wait long, and was still only contemplating eavesdropping when Michael stormed into the room and began pacing. The emotion on his face was something that Church was unaccustomed to seeing there: anger. Legitimate anger. Caboose had fire in his eyes and Church didn't like it. What the hell had been said during that brief conversation in the hallway?

"Hey buddy, you okay?" Church asked, despite knowing that it was a stupid question.

"She had no right to tell you my secret."

Secret? What secret? Church was about to tell Caboose that he had no clue what he was talking about, when he remembered something that Melinda had said that morning. "Oh my word, he hasn't told you."

"She didn't tell me anything. She said it wasn't her place," he said instead.

"She told you that I have a secret though! Now you are going to want to know what it is and I don't want to tell you," Michael ranted. "So either I tell you and you get upset and leave, or I don't tell you and you get upset and say that I don't trust you and leave." Michael fell onto the bed, next to where Church sat, exhaustion from stress taking over, and sighed dejectedly. "I don't want you to leave, Church."

"I'm not going anywhere buddy."

"Don't make promises that you can't keep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun! 
> 
> I wish I had something comforting to say about the next chapter, but the best I've got is this: don't worry, it's not nearly as upsetting as it was when I originally wrote it.


	7. Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church looks for Caboose.
> 
> "Well excuse me for trying to figure out where my boyfriend was. I searched the entire house looking for him to make sure that he was okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I really thought that I posted this back in April...sorry. To, hopefully, make up for it, I am posting chapter 8 today too.

Caboose's words were an unexpected blow. Church just stared for a few moments at the jaded form that had taken the place of his typically over-enthusiastic boyfriend. He ran his fingers through Caboose's hair in what he hoped was a soothing manner for a few moments while he figured out what to say.

"What makes you so certain that I am going to leave you?"

"Everybody does. It is not a nice secret."

For a moment Church was tempted to point out that Caboose had already shot him with a tank, and that was before they were a couple, so really how bad could this be. He figured that wouldn't really help the situation any though, and instead kept his mouth shut as he continued running his fingers through Caboose's hair until his boyfriend fell asleep.

  
When Church awoke the following morning, it was again to an empty bed. He sighed, saddened by this apparent pattern, and got up and ready for the day.

Not really knowing where else to look for his boyfriend, Church started in the kitchen. When he didn't find him there, Church began asking the sisters if any of them had seen him.

"He's probably with Melinda," Felicia told him.

"Haven't seen him since last night," Jessica admitted.

"Have you looked outside?" Devon asked.

"I know his friend Pobs wanted to see him, perhaps he went to visit her," Alice said.

"His ex?" Church raised an eyebrow.

"Don't worry, Pobs isn't a threat or anything. They only dated for like a handful of weeks back when they were thirteen," Olivia added.

"I wasn't worried," he replied a bit defensively.

"Plus, Pobs is a lesbian." Alice chipped in.

"So they dated before both of them realized they were gay?"

"Something like that," Alice smirked.

"Anyway, we have places to be."

"Best of luck finding Michael."

Once Olivia and Alice left, Church took Devon's advice and decided to check outside. He was pretty certain that he had already searched the rest of the insanely large house anyway.

He stepped out the front door and saw nothing. There wasn't much to see. It reminded Church a bit of Blood Gulch except without the canyon walls.

Perhaps that was why Caboose had never complained much about the box canyon. To him it was what home had always looked like. A vast sea of nothingness as far as the eye could see. A place where there really wasn't much else to do except stand around and talk. Or to orchestrate massive, highly competitive games of Chinese Checkers. Or blare music apparently.

Church followed the sounds around to the back of the house where he found Caboose. Dancing.

To say that the sight was unexpected would be an understatement. Not so much the act itself, but the style and the fact that Caboose danced well. It was something formal like a waltz, or tango, and whatever it was Michael and Melinda were doing lifts that could more accurately be described as acrobatics.

Church stood slack-jawed for a moment, barely believing the sight before his eyes.

"I think we broke your boyfriend Mikey."

"You can dance?" Church said, sounding dumbfounded. He stared at his boyfriend like he had never seen him before.

"Yeah," Caboose said cheerfully, grinning from ear to ear. "It's a lot of fun. Especially with Mindy. I am sure it would be fun to dance with you too Church, but every time I ask you, you say no."

"Because you never told me that you could dance."

"Why would I ask you to dance with me if I didn't know how to?" Caboose asked as if that should really be obvious to Church.

"Uh," Church said eloquently, unsure of how to respond. "I can't dance," he eventually came up with. "At least not like that."

"It's not that hard," Caboose assured him cheerfully.

"You threw her in the air! There is no fucking way I am doing that."

"Scared of heights, army man?" Melinda mocked.

"You're a fairy, you are used to being airborne. Human beings on the other hand keep their feet on the ground."

"Aww, you _are_ scared," Melinda rolled her eyes unsympathetically. "Michael knows what he's doing. He hasn't dropped me since we were twelve."

"Sixteen," Michael corrected.

Melinda's face scrunched up as if struggling to remember the instance and coming up short.

"Dropped on your head one too many times?" Church asked snarkily.

While the words were intended as a slight at Melinda, Church saw the look of guilt that crossed Michael's features.

_Well shit._

"And I'm still less scared than you."

Church opened his mouth to reply, but Caboose beat him to it. "Be nice! I know you both know how!" and with that outburst, he stormed off leaving a shocked sister and boyfriend in his wake.

"What. The. Hell." Church stared at Caboose for a moment before turning to Melinda in disbelief. "Does he always act like that when he's here, or just after spending time with you?"

"I am _not_ the problem here."

"Well he's not normally all... moody and shit."

"Well I was _trying_ to cheer him up before _you_ came along and interrupted."

"Well excuse the fuck out of me for trying to figure out where the hell my boyfriend was. I searched the entire god-damned house looking for him to make sure that he was o-" His rant stopped short.

Without another word, Church went after Caboose. He found him a few yards away, sitting on the ground, pointedly avoiding eye contact. Church sat down next to him and held one of his hands.

Church waited. While Caboose didn't pull his hand away, he didn't speak either. After two minutes of silence, Church decided that something needed to be said. He just didn't know what.

"So you can dance..."

"Yes."

"You dance well."

"Thanks."

"I don't hate Melinda. For the record. No more than I hate anybody else," Church explained.

Caboose was still determinedly staring at the ground and didn't seem likely to start speaking again anytime soon. Which left it up to Church. Who still didn't even know what was wrong. Just that his boyfriend had some sort of life-altering secret that he was keeping from him. Not that Church gave a shit what the secret was, just that it was stressing Caboose out.

_Oh. Did I tell_ him _that?_

"Hey buddy."

"Hmm."

"You do know that I don't actually care what your secret is, right? Like I don't even care that you have a secret." Caboose finally turned his head and looked at Church as he continued speaking. "There's not much that I actually give a crap about, but you are one of them." _Screw it. If I have to be a sap to get him back to normal then I'll be a fucking sap._ "I don't care about a god-damned thing in this world, or on any world more than your smile. I just want you to be happy, and right now you obviously aren't. So...what would make you happy? Me leaving you alone so you can go back to dancing with your sister? Because you seemed less upset before I found you out here."

"Don't go," Caboose said, squeezing Church's hand tighter, clearly not liking even the suggestion of Church leaving.

"I'm not going anywhere buddy, not unless you want me to."

Once again they lapsed into silence.

A minute went by before Caboose mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?" Church asked.

"Did you mean that? Will you promise?"

"Promise what?"

"To stay."

 

 


	8. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church learns Caboose's secret.
> 
>  
> 
> Were there right words to say? Church wasn't upset, and yet Caboose was clearly expecting him to be. So Church decided to simply acknowledge that his boyfriend had spoken.
> 
> "Okay."
> 
> "O-kay," Caboose said the word slowly, as if he were uncertain of it's pronunciation. "That's it?"
> 
> "Did you want this to be a longer conversation?"
> 
> "No."
> 
> "Then that's it."

There was a small voice in the back of Church's head telling him not to make promises before he knew what he was agreeing to. Church ignored it. He didn't really care. At that moment he would have promised Caboose the stars if it would fix whatever was wrong.

Rather than say that though, since Church felt he had already reached his romantic sap quota for the year in the past few minutes, he decided to go with snark instead. "Weren't you listening? Or are you going deaf? I already told you I wasn't going anywhere." Which actually got a small smile from the larger blue soldier.

Next, Caboose took a deep bracing breath and spoke. "My parents didn't actually have any boys."

"So you're adopted?"

"No. I mean... they had eighteen girls."

"You're transgender."

Caboose nodded sheepishly. "Yes."

Were there right words to say? Church wasn't upset, and yet Caboose was clearly expecting him to be. The confession, outcome aside, was a big deal and surely Church was supposed to acknowledge that, right? But how to say "I get that to you this is a big deal, but I just don't care"? Because that would be callous if he said it like that, and that wasn't what he meant. So instead, he decided to simply acknowledge that his boyfriend had spoken.

"Okay."

"O-kay," Caboose said the word slowly, as if he were uncertain of it's pronunciation.

"I do have one question though: Are you MTF or FTM?"

"What?" Caboose asked, looking at Church in confusion.

_Okay, rephrasing the question to make it idiot-proof._

"Do I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend?"

"A boyfriend," Caboose said firmly.

"Okay, I just didn't want to call you the wrong thing buddy."

"That's it?"

"Did you _want_ this to be a longer conversation?"

"No."

"Then that's it."

"It usually is longer though."

"Oh, right, I forgot. One last thing," and Church leaned over and kissed him.

"At some point you two are going to have to come up for air, " Melinda commented, which resulted in Church flipping her off while not breaking the kiss.

Michael however did in order to beam up at his sister who was looming over them. "He said okay," Caboose giggled.

"Okay to what exactly?"

"I told him."

"Now I wasn't eavesdropping, but I feel like there wasn't enough time for Michael to properly explain things to you, soldier boy."

"And what exactly do you think needs to be explained to me? I already know what transgender means, and the _one_ question that I had has already been answered. So as far as I'm concerned, this is a conversation that doesn't really concerned you."

"Of course it does. He's my brother."

"And you know what else he is? A fucking adult. A dumbass one more often than not, but still an adult who can make his own decisions."

"You're just going to let him speak about you like that?" Melinda asked, turning on her brother now.

"Oh don't worry, he doesn't mean the mean words," Caboose replied.

"He sure sounded like he meant it," Melinda ground out.

"Church sounds angry most of the time," Michael attempted to reassure his sister, "even when he's not. I can tell the difference though," he said with a smile.

"There is still a lot more to having a transgender partner than just saying that you're fine with it," Melinda said, returning her attention to Church.

"Why is it so fucking impossible for you to let this go?" He asked, standing up. 

"Because you need to be aware of just what you're signing up for before you go around making promises that you might not keep when push comes to shove."

"What I'm signing up for..." Church repeated incredulously. "I didn't just meet him. We've known each other for _years_. I know _exactly_ what I've gotten myself into," he told her. "He takes pills. Every day. Twice a day. And I remind him. Every day. Twice a day. At first because I was the team leader and felt it was my responsability to look after my team. Then I reminded him because I was his friend and that's what friends do, right? Look out for each other? Now I do it because I want to take care of him any way I can. Even if it's just something little, like taking fucking pills.And do you know why? Because I love him!"

Caboose inhailed sharply and his eyes got wide.

"And I really wish that the first time I told him that I wasn't yelling it at you," Church seethed. He turned and began to put some distance between himself and Melinda.

Suddenly he saw his boyfriend bolt past him crying out "Church! Church come back!" It took Michael only a moment longer to realize that he had passed his goal and he turned around only to run right past Church again.

The third time, Church reached out and managed to grab a handful of the back of Caboose's shirt.

"Oh! There you are!" Caboose beamed down at him, before picking Church up and whispering in his ear, making him blush. "I love you too, Leonard Church."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case anyone does not know, MTF and FTM stand for male to female, and female to male, respectively.
> 
> Also, the bit about Caboose taking pills is from the very end of S13 E3 - What's Yours Is Ours


	9. Bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church spends some time with Odette, Natalie, Olivia, Alice, Felicia, Melinda, Jennifer, and Delilah. 
> 
> “I guess you’ll have to do for company then,” Melinda informed him, grabbing Church by the arm and doing her best to drag him along with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is over 6,000 words. The previous eight chapters combined are only 9,000 words. Hopefully this makes up a little bit for not updating this for about six months. Also, a million thanks to rvb--max on tumblr for the fan art of the sisters. They make me giddy every single time I look at them, and I don't think I've told you that enough.

 

Church refused to open his eyes when he heard a knock on the door. Instead he snuggled up closer to Caboose and ignored it, silently praying that it would go away. It did, but unfortunately was replaced by the sound of the door opening. Church just barely managed to not groan in annoyance at whichever female had just entered the room.

“Michael. Wake up,” the whispering continued. “There’s a phone call for you.”

Feeling Caboose begin to stir, Church blindly grabbed onto whatever part of his boyfriend just happened to be closest, an arm, and made a muffled noise of protest as Caboose sat up. Michael pressed a kiss to Church’s forehead as he gently pulled his arm free of Church’s grip. The blue team leader let out a contented sigh and stopped moving, finally falling back to sleep.

A few hours later, Church awoke for the third day in a row to an empty bed.

“Is it too much to ask to wake up next to him just fucking once?” Church griped as he dressed, before leaving the cat poster infested room in search of coffee. And Caboose.

The coffee was easy to find at least. The mug too considering there was a piece of paper with a big blue heart drawn around Church’s name sticking out of it.

Removing the paper, Church poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table, around which a couple of the sisters were seated, to read his letter.

 

Deer Church,

I went to visit Pobs and will be back later.

Love,

Michael J. Cabose

Postscript  Don’t be alone with Alice.

P.P.S. I took my pills.

 

For such a short letter, it managed to leave Church with more questions than it answered. It explained where Michael was, but that was it.

How did someone who couldn’t even spell ‘dear’ or his own name correctly  know that P.S. stood for postscript? Why write out postscript anyway? How long was he going to be gone for?   _Why_ shouldn’t he be alone with Alice? Which one _was_ Alice anyway?

Actually, Church was fairly certain that Alice was the punk rocker who had been told to quit flirting with him when she had introduced herself. He rolled his eyes in mild exasperation and set the letter down to focus on his coffee.

“No, you can ask him, you are more than old enough. He’s not going to bite. Promise.”

Being left alone in peace and quiet was something that the universe had decided could never happen for Church, and a few moments later one of the younger sisters hesitantly approached him.

“Uh, hi?” she said softly.

“Hi,” Church replied, briefly looking over at the pre-teen girl before returning his attention to his coffee.

“Are, uh, are you going to be down here for awhile?” the young girl asked so quietly that Church couldn’t say for certain that that was even what she said.

He raised an eyebrow at the odd question, but as he opened his mouth to speak, the girl spoke again.

“Because there are a few things that I want to get out of my room. If you don’t mind.”

Church racked his brain trying to remember whose room Caboose had said they were staying in. Olivia? No, it had started with an N. Nancy? That didn’t sound quite right. Natalie? That was it! Natalie.

“It’s your room, Natalie?” Church said, the uncaring inflection of his statement changing only at her name.

She nodded in confirmation. “I’m Natalie.”

A few seconds went by without either of them saying anything.

 _And now it’s awkward_ . “So…” _What the hell am I supposed to say now?_ “nice posters.”

Instantaneously Natalie’s face lit up. “You like cats?”

 _Not as much as you do clearly, but_ “Yeah.”

“Oh aren’t they just the greatest things?! They are just the absolute cutest with their whiskers, and fur, and tiny little paws.”

_Oh god what have I started?_

“And our cat Peaches is the best cat there is in the whole wide world because -”

“Natalie.”

“Yes Odette?”Natalie’s chattering tapered off as she addressed her older sister.

“Weren’t there things that you wanted to go and grab from your room?”

“Oh, right! Thanks for reminding me. See you later, Leonard,” Natalie said cheerily, practically skipping from the room.

Once she was gone Odette began laughing. “Sorry about her. Natalie only has two speeds: too shy to string words together, and excitedly babbling somewhere around a thousand words per minute. She warmed up to you pretty quick, so that’s good.”

“Is it?” Church asked.

“Trust me, it’s preferable to the alternative.”

“Which is?”

“Trying to pull words out of her like they were teeth.”

“I’d take silence any day.” Realizing the rudeness of the statement and considering the fact that his goal _wasn’t_ to fight with and insult all of his boyfriend’s family members, after a few seconds Church added, “That’s just me though. Not anything against Natalie or any of you specifically.”

“No offense taken,” Odette assured him. “I can only assume that peace and quiet are a bit hard to come by in an active warzone.”

“You have no idea.”

“Well I will not encroach on your time any longer; that way you can have a little bit of time to yourself before Michael gets up.”

“He went out actually,” Church said.

“He did?” Odette asked, sounding rather surprised. “I wonder where.”

“To visit Pobs.”

“Oh, that make sense actually. So he’ll be back tomorrow,” Odette informed Church.

“What? How far away does she live? Church asked.

“Not far at all. She’s our next-door neighbor. Roughly half a mile in.” she paused for a moment, thinking, “that direction.” She pointed to her right.

“What makes you think he’ll be gone all day then?”

“Because Michael is her best friend whom she hasn’t seen in ages, and she has always been a little… talkative. There is no such thing as a short conversation with that girl, and I imagine that she’s got quite a lot to tell him.” she paused for a moment. “Do you want to play Chinese Checkers?”

“What?” Church asked, mildly perplexed by the seemingly non-sequitur statement.

“I just thought, if you wanted something to do… beside, learning might be a bit easier with only two people playing. That being said, I am not trying to pressure you into it, so if you don’t want to just say so. And now I am rambling. I’m not much quieter than Natalie afterall,” Odette realized with a laugh.

“It’s okay. Sure, let’s play.” _I don’t know what to do today anyway without Caboose around._

Odette left the room and returned a few minutes later with the game.

They spent an hour or so playing and pleasantly chatting.

“You know, I think I actually like this game,” Church admitted.

“And you’re not half bad at it either,”Odette told him. “With a bit more practice you might even be able to beat little Delilah before you leave.” She smiled at him while expertly moving one of her marbles clear across the board in a single move.

“Son of a bitch!”

Odette broke down into a fit of giggles.

“What’s so funny?” Olivia asked, entering the kitchen, Alice in tow.

Odette just gestured at the board, still trying to catch her breath.

Olivia studied the marbles for a moment before turning to her older sister. “Well that wasn’t very nice of you. No wonder he’s upset.”

“I’m trying to teach him to spot paths,” Odette replied, finally able to form words again.

“Don’t worry, I’ll cheer you up,” Alice purred, sitting down in an unsuspecting Church’s lap.

“Alice!” Olivia cried, rushing over and trying to pull her sister away.

“What? I can’t help it. All the good girls love a soldier.” Alice winked at Church.

“Sailor,” Church ground out the word.

“What?” Alice asked, ignoring his practically tangible annoyance.

“All the good girls love a _sailor_.”

“Well I prefer soldiers. And I’m not much of a good girl either.”

Church opened his mouth to reply as Olivia finally succeeded in tugging her sibling out of his lap.

“I am _so sorry_ about Alice’s behavior.”

“Are you just going to go around apologizing for me forever?” Alice asked.

“No,” Olivia replied. “On the day that you get married, once you leave the church, the first thing that I am going to say to your partner is ‘she’s your problem now’, and from that point forward I will never again apologize for anything you say or do.”

“And if I never settle down?”

“Then unfortunately it would be my job until one of us dies.”

“I hope you’re getting paid,” Church chipped in snidely.

“Not nearly enough,” Olivia told him while shepherding Alice out of the room. “Why do you have to do that?”

“It’s fun. And he’s cute.”

“That explains why Michael told me not to be alone with her.”

“Did he really?” Odette asked.

Church tapped the letter.

“Well, at least you had some warning, and you handled that better than most.”

“So she flirts with every guy she meets,” Church clarified.

“Well, Alice is _definitely_ a flirt, but…” Odette trailed off.

“What?”

“She is kind of infamous for trying to kiss people that she knows are taken.”

“Even if that person is dating her sibling?”

“I think the point is to figure out whose partners are unfaithful…” Odette said, not sounding entirely certain that that was the case.

“Or she’s just a tramp,” another sister added, entering the kitchen and unceremoniously dumping the armful of paints she was carrying onto the table.

“Felicia,” Odette chided the conversation’s newest participant, whom if Church had to guess was at most nineteen. “You were twelve and Kelly was what, twenty three?”

“She was only nineteen.”

“Regardless, she was too old for you and you know it.”

“Kelly was my first love,” Felicia explained to Church. “Until Alice stole her from me,” she sighed dramatically.

“Felicia decided to learn to play the piano because the instructor was cute,” Odette corrected, “and was a bit upset to discover that Kelly and Alice were _already_ a couple.”  

“That is not the point,” Felicia huffed, sitting down and looking over at the board, watching Church make his next move.

“No, don’t move there, you’re just making it _easier_ for Odette to jump your marbles now. Are you _trying_ to lose?”

“Be nice, he’s leaning.”

“Learning how to suck,” Felicia commented before turning to Church and saying “But that’s okay, because Michael is so gaga over you that I’m sure he’ll just let you win.”

“I don’t need anybody to _let me win_ ,” Church said defensively.

“That is good to hear, because despite Felicia’s comment, no one in this family would just _let_ someone else win. We’re all a _bit_ too competitive for that. Some of us might go easy on you considering that you are new to this game, but that is the best that you are going to get. From anyone. Michael included,” Odette informed him.

“Yeah, and Odette is one of the nice ones, because I myself would not even bother teaching you strategy knowing that you are going to be playing with Michael.”

“Because he doesn’t have one?” Church guessed.

Both of the sisters laughed at that comment for a reason that Church did not yet understand.

“Oh good heavens, no. Michael is actually quite good with that aspect of the game. So you are going to have a very good teacher.”

“And if what he tells us about your lives in the military is true,” Felicia added, “ a _lot_ of time to practice.”

“We do have a fuckton of time with nothing to do,” Church admitted. “But do you know what we _don’t_ have? A board. Or marbles.”

“I think we’ve got you covered there,” Odette said.

“Yeah,” Felicia added. “I was going to paint this old board that we don’t use anymore. If you want it, it’s yours.”

“Thank you,” Church thanked the sisters awkwardly, a bit uncomfortable with the unfamiliarity of the situation. Snarky conversations he knew how to handle, but not this. A genuine act of kindness he felt he was emotionally un-equipped to handle. “I’m sure Michael will love it.”

“Of course he will,” Felicia said confidently. “A gift from his boyfriend painted by one of his sisters. He’ll be over the moon.”

“You use the phrase ‘over the moon’ _on_ the moon?” Church asked. “That’s not weird to you? Like at all? Because I think it’s pretty fucking weird,” Church commented.

“It is not a typical turn of phrase around here,” Odette informed him.

“But Melinda says that they say it all the time on Earth, so I have been practicing and trying to work it into my day to day speech so that it sounds natural when I say it, because I would hate for it to sound forced. It would make me stick out like a sore thumb, which would be the absolute _worst_.”

And it was in that moment that Church came to the realization that teenage girls sounded just like teenage girls regardless of where they grew up.

“So you’ve never been to Earth?” Church asked as it dawned on him.

“No, but Melinda promised that she’ll let me come visit sometime. It’s just that it is kind of an expensive trip and she doesn’t want me to make it alone which is ridiculous because I would be totally fine, like,  I’m not a little kid. But her way she would have to come here to pick me up, then we would go to Earth together, and then at the end of the visit she would have to bring me back, drop me off, and then return by herself. And that makes things _way_ more expensive than it needs to be and things would be so much easier  if she would just let me travel on my own.”

“So Melinda lives on Earth?”

“What, you didn’t think that we all lived in this house did you?” Felicia asked.

“I would hope not. That would be a lot,” Church replied.

“A lot of what exactly?” Odette asked.

“Everything. People, noise, arguments, snoring, girls in one place, girls in general, moodiness, periods syncing up, food consumption, farts, need I go on?”

“No, I think you’ve made your point.” Odette said.

“Like I can barely handle the ten or so idiots that I have to deal with on a daily basis. That’s another thing to add to my list, idiocy. I cannot even imagine what this would be like if all of you lived here constantly.”

“Well, there would be even _more_ mouths to feed for a start,” Odette explained, “because some of us, myself included, are married and have families of our own. So assuming that they would all _also_ move in here, and not have separate houses, that would bring the total up to,” she paused for a moment, counting,  “thirty if you included yourself.”

“Holy shit,” Church exclaimed. “That would be a fucking madhouse.”

“Someone would die,” Odette agreed, her tone serious.

“I am taking out Alice first as a preventative measure,” Felicia informed them.

“Felicia!” Odette was caught between laughing and sternly disapproving of the sororicide.

“Smart move.”

“Oh not you too,” Odette chided Church.

“Well it is,” Church stood firm on his opinion. “If she really is as big of a flirt as she seems, then her presence would upset the entire dynamic. The flirting and subsequent fighting has the potential to lead to multiple deaths if anyone gets violent. The simplest preventative  solution would be to get rid of the potential problem right from the start: kill Alice. Then no one would have to worry about partners being stolen.”

“See, I was being perfectly reasonable,” Felicia said.

“Yes,” Odette acknowledged hesitantly, “in a totally psychotic and homicidal manner. Logically it makes sense if you are an emotionless unempathetic serial killer, as you two apparently are.”

“There is no need to over exaggerate Odette, it is all theoretical.” Felicia assured her sister.

“I doubt Felicia here is about to go shiv Alice for no apparent reason,” Church said, trying to back her up.

“Of course not. If I am going to kill  one of my sisters than I am going to have a reason. A good one too. One that will hold up in a court of law.”

Church and Odette just stared blankly at Felicia for a moment, unsure of how to respond to what sounded like a very serious and premeditated plan.

“And on that note,” Odette said, standing up and making her way out of the room, presumably to go and think about her life and ponder the sanity of one of her many younger sisters. “Have fun painting and don’t kill anyone,” she added as she left.

Once she was out of the room Felicia broke out into laughter. “Did you see her face?” she asked Church who was still eyeing her skeptically. “I think I broke her. That was amazing!”

“You might actually be psychotic,” Church told her. “And if you’re not, you should definitely take up acting.”

“Thank you,” Felicia beamed, giving him a small bow. “It gets boring around here sometimes so we have to come up with ways to entertain ourselves,” she explained, beginning to set out her paints.

“Such as emotional warfare?”

“Like I said, it gets _really_ boring,” she reiterated. “So, do you have any specific colors that you want the board to be?” she asked Church, gesturing to the plethora of paints that littered the table top.

“Umm.” Church didn’t even know where to begin. What did it matter what _color_ the board was? Then he remembered how excited Caboose had sounded when he had found the marbles that were a very familiar shade. “Yes. I do actually. Red and Blue.”

“Okay,” Felicia replied, pulling out the paints that fit this color theme. “So what are we doing here? One side red and one side blue? Alternating triangles? What are you thinking, because it sounds like you may have a plan.”

As it turned out, there were only two colors that Felicia did not have: maroon, and Church’s own armor color. But that hardly mattered because she had all of the rest to make it work. Now all that Church had to do was figure out where everyone would sit.

“I feel the need to point out,” Felicia said, looking over the colors that Church had selected, “that a couple of these are neither red nor blue.”

“Yeah they are,” Church responded.

“Are you color blind?” Felicia asked, “because this  is black,” she said holding up a tube of paint and gesturing to another “and that one is very clearly orange. Pink I might just  be willing to let slide, but orange and black? Seriously? When you said red and blue I thought you actually meant the colors red and blue.”

“Those are all _shades_ of red and blue,” Church argued.

“No they’re not,” Felicia disagreed vehemently. “And which side does black fall on anyway in this delusional color scheme of yours?” she asked.

“Blue team, obviously. Tex wasn’t a red.”

“Tex?” Felicia looked confused for a moment, before realization dawned on her face as she remembered where she had heard that name before. “Oh, your,” she paused and tried to think of the nicest way to say dead friend. “Fallen comrade,” was what she settled on. Which is when she had a second realization. “These are all of your armor colors, aren’t they?” she asked, suddenly knowing that they were.

“Yeah, that one is Michael’s, and our teammate Tucker’s. And Sarge, and Donut.”

“Donut?” Felicia asked, certain that she must have heard incorrectly. There was no way that he had just said that someone’s _actual name_ was Donut.

“Donut,” Church confirmed with a nod of his head, “and Grif.”

“There are only _six_ of you?” Felicia asked incredulously.

“Well, no,” Church explained. “There is also me, and Simmons, Lopez, Sheila, and Doc.” He didn’t even bother to bring Sister into this, because Felicia might actually have a conniption if he tried to explain how yellow fell under blue, but it wouldn’t really matter because Sister wouldn’t be able to tell which space was colored for her anyway seeing as she actually _was_ color blind.  “But you don’t have the color of my armor or Simmons’. Lopez and Sheila, while they started off as reds and blues have sort of formed their own robot team, plus Sheila is a tank and wouldn’t be able to play chinese checkers anyway. Nobody wants Doc on their team because he’s such a fucking useless moron but also he joined the army in protest or some shit because he’s a pacifist and so he technically doesn’t have a team. If he _really_ wants to play he can use Donut’s space. Pink and purple are close enough, right?”

“I...guess so,” Felicia reluctantly agreed.  

“And Grif and Simmons are going to share a space because they’re a fucking couple even if they won’t admit it,” Church continued on. “And I’ll,” Church paused for a moment collecting himself and trying not to sound too pitiful. “I’ll just use Tex’s space. She can come back and haunt my ass if she really wants to fight me for it.”

“So all of the ‘reds’ will go on one side of the board, and the ‘blues’ will go on the other I’m assuming?” Felicia asked, her only slightly sarcastic air quotes definitely audible in her tone.

“Yeah.”

“Does it matter which ones go next to each other?”

“Oh hell yes it does,” Church said, his tone deathly serious. “As the leaders of the teams, Sarge and I should be seated across from each other,” Church began. “Caboose is more experienced with Chinese checkers though and then the red and blue would be on opposite sides which would look pretty cool and clarify for anyone who couldn’t figure it out which side was which. But Sarge would get offended by not being across from the team leader and I do not want to deal with having to listen to him complain about that all the fucking time, so Sarge will be across from me. That also works out, because it is probably for the best to keep Michael and Tucker separated.”

“Why?” Felicia asked.

“Because Caboose will eventually tell Tucker that he is stupid and playing the game wrong, which Tucker will be offended by and I might be able to make them behave if they are seated apart.”

“You are putting quite a bit of thought into this,” Felicia noted.

“Yeah, well, I don’t want anyone to get shot,” Church explained, and Felicia was uncertain as to just how serious he was by that statement.

“Okay,” she said hesitantly. “And with Sarge in the middle of the other reds, that pretty much leaves you with having to figure out which reds sit next to which blues.”

“Well Michael is fond of Donut, so they can sit next to each other. Which leaves Tucker sitting next to Grif and Simmons which he’ll enjoy because he can pester them about being together. Also, it would put him across from Donut, whom he still incorrectly things is a girl just because the dude’s armor is pink. So Tucker will be happy thinking that he is playing against a girl. Michael, the best player, will play against Simmons who is probably going to pick this game up the quickest and therefore be the biggest competitor. And Grif probably won’t give two fucks who he plays so I don’t have to worry about anything there.”

“So just to make sure that I’ve got this right,” Felicia began moving the tubes of paint  around the board to make sure that she had them all in the correct spots. “Blue, black, teal, orange, red, pink.”

“Exactly,” Church confirmed.

“That was unnecessarily complicated,” Felicia commented.

“ _That_ was unnecessarily complicated?” Church asked, incredulously. “You regularly play with three times the maximum number of people _and_ across three separate boards!”

“Yeah, well at least we aren’t all divas about who we sit next to.”

Just before an argument broke out, Melinda walked into the room.

“Morning Felicia,” she greeted her sister warmly. “G.I. Joe,” said, giving a curt nod in Church’s direction.

“Tinker Bell.”

“Have either of you seen Michael?”

Felicia shook her head before returning her attention to her paints.

“He’s visiting Pobs,” Church explained.

“Oh god, is he really?” Melinda groaned. “I guess you’ll have to do for company then,” she informed him, grabbing Church by the arm and doing her best to drag him along with her. “Come on, we’re going outside.”

“Why?” Church asked, reluctantly tagging along.

“Because I need to practice.”

“Practice?”

“Mhmm. The difference in gravity makes it easier for lifts and tricks and such. So I like to practice when I don’t weigh as much, get the motions down, muscle memory, that way it’s just adjusting a move that I can already do in my sleep.”

“Dancing? You didn’t dance enough yesterday?” Church asked.

“Well I’m a professional dancer, so no. I practice daily,”

“ I’m sorry, I don’t have any ones on me.”

“I’m not _that_ kind of a dancer, asshole.”

“You’re the one who called yourself a professional,”

“Because I’m not an amature. I _get_ _paid_ to dance.”

“So do strippers,” Church pointed out.

“You are making it very hard to kiss and make up,” Melinda informed him.

“Do I have to pay extra for that?”

Melinda paused and took a deep breath before replying. “Okay, admittedly I’m not the easiest person to get along with, but you’re not all sunshine and roses either, Leonard.”

“What do you want Melinda? I’m sure you must have had an _actual_ reason for dragging me out here.”

“I’m _trying_ to be nice,” she replied as if it should be obvious.

“This is you being _nice_?” Church asked incredulously.

“Screw you,” she snapped back. “I’ve been nothing but pleasant today.”

“You called me an asshole.”

“Yeah, well you were being an asshole,” she replied in a tone that showed she did not regret her previous statement. “So now that we’ve established that neither of us are exactly nice people, can we at least _try_ to be civil? For Michael’s sake.”

“Well I don’t think that either of us are going anywhere anytime soon, and I won’t have to deal with you in person all that often, so sure,” the blue soldier agreed.

“You say the sweetest things,” Melinda deadpanned. Then after a moment, “So you see yourself as a permanent part of his life then?”

“Well I don’t think either of us are planning on leaving the army, so…”

“Way to miss the point.”

“I thought we’d moved on from you threatening me.”

“I’m not threatening you,” Melinda said sweetly. “We’re just talking. I’m trying to get to know you.”

“Bullshit. You have an ulterior motive.”

“Obviously,” she scoffed. “I have the exact same motives that everyone in the history of humanity has had when talking to a prospective in-law for the first time.”

“In-law?” Church sounded taken aback.

“I thought you were serious about my brother.”

“Less than twenty-four hours ago you were convinced that hell had a better chance of freezing over than Michael and I staying together, now suddenly I’m a potential in-law. Do your opinions always change this drastically so quickly? Are you going to go back to hating me tomorrow? Should I only talk to you on alternating days of the week?”

Melinda rolled her eyes. “I don’t hate you.”

“Well you don’t exactly like me.”

She shrugged. “You’re not half bad.”

“Half bad?” Church asked, mildly offended.

“Eh, my brother has dated worse.”

“I got that impression from how you thought I was going to treat him. Are _all_ of his exs really _that_ shitty?”

“You have no idea.”

“Pobs too?” Church asked, curious as to why, with as controlling as Melinda could be, Michael would be allowed to visit an ex that she had deemed no good for him. Although, that would explain why he left so early and with only a note to explain his absence.

“Pobs…” she stopped for a moment, considering her words for once before speaking. “In a way, Pobs is one of the worst because she doesn’t _intend_ to hurt Michael, but she does. Every. Single. Time. The girl just doesn’t seem to understand that what she says upsets him.”

“What does she say to him?”

“She calls him a childhood nickname: Shelly.”

Church thought that over for a moment before asking “How do you get Shelly out of Michael?”

Melinda broke out into laughter that was only spurred on by Church’s disapproving glare at being laughed at. A few moments passed before she had calmed down enough to speak again.

“Really? You can’t figure that one out?” she chuckled.

Instead of responding, Church just crossed his arms and continued to glare at Caboose’s twin.

“It’s not short for Michael. It’s short for Michelle,” she explained.

Church’s face scrunched up in distaste. “Michelle?”

“Are you _sure_ you understand how this whole transgender thing works?” Melinda teased.

“Yes,” the blue soldier replied indignantly. “It just doesn’t suit him.”

“Well he didn’t exactly feel like being a girl suited him.”

“Obviously. Just, if I had to guess what his girl name was I wouldn’t have picked Michelle.”

“What would you have guessed?”

“I don’t know. Something less… girly. A tomboy name, you know? Like Kathy, Liz, Becky, or something.”

“There is zero chance he would have been named any of those things, and I can say that with absolute certainty,” Melinda told him.

“No you can’t.”

“Yes I can.”

“How?” he demanded.

“Because none of those names start with the right letters.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“My parents have eighteen kids. Do you seriously think that they didn’t have some sort of system for naming all of us?” Melinda asked him.

“Don’t reuse names?” Church guessed.

She rolled her eyes. “A good start.”

“Picking names for the right gender would be preferable,” Church continued.

“Only preferable?”

“Yeah, well it’s hardly going to be the end of the universe if you got the wrong one. Just so long as you acknowledge what gender they _actually_ are. ”

“And that is _all_ of your naming requirements?”

“Why should it be more complicated than that?”

“I never said that it had to be complicated,” Melinda said, “but yours doesn’t exactly narrow things down, making it easier to pick.”

“So your names are all themed or something?” Church asked, sounding unimpressed.

“It’s more of a pattern than a theme,” Melinda clarified.

“That’s stupid.”

“It’s actually kind of clever,” Melinda countered. “Care to guess?”

“No.”

“You are no fun whatsoever, do you know that?” Melinda asked him. “Fine. Our names all start with the same letter as the month we were born in. For example, Melinda”

“March,” Church interrupted, because he got the point. It wasn’t exactly so complex that he needed a demonstration on how it worked.

“Okay, so you’re an idiot who doesn’t know when his boyfriend’s birthday is.”

“Of course I do, it’s in May,” Church shot back.

Melinda waited for Church to realize what he had just said, but apparently he didn’t see the problem with his last few statements.

“Or you’re just an idiot who doesn’t understand what the word twin means.”

For a few seconds, the blue team leader looked confused, which is when it all caught up to him. Briefly, embarrassment flashed across his face before quickly being replaced with anger.

“Well it’s not my fault that it’s a crappy system with no way to tell half of the months apart,”  Church snapped.

 

“That would be the role of the middle name,” Melinda explained. “Jasmine Flora - January February, Jessica Justine - June July, Jennifer Anne - July August. Not so stupid of a system now is it?” she concluded proudly.

“The fact that a system was necessary at all...”

“There are _eighteen of us_ ” Melinda stressed. “It’s a lot to keep straight.”

“Well your parents failed there,” Church said, his tone completely serious.

“What?” Melida asked, confused.

“At least three of you are gay or bi,” Church explained.

“That is _such_ a lame joke,” Melinda couldn’t help but laugh. “But, I guess it proves you aren’t _all_ bad.”

“Are we _bonding_?” Church asked, sounding mildly appalled at the thought.

Melinda rolled her eyes. “Heaven forbid. Well, I actually do need to practice, so…”

“You’re kicking me out? If only I had some ones.”

Melinda seethed. “I’m not a -”

“So what kind of a dancer are you then?” Church interrupted.

“Ballroom. Mostly.”

“How did you get into _that_?”

“That… is a story for another time,” Melinda said. “Now stop pestering me and let me practice.”

“You dragged me out here,” he reminded her.

“Go. Away,” she replied, but with no real bite to her words as she shoved him in the direction of the house.

“Pushy bitch.”

 

“Jenny, where is Coo?” the youngest sister, Delilah asked, tugging on Jennifer’s skirt.

“Coo went to see his friend,” Jennifer explained.

“Will he be back soon?”

“Not until tonight sweetie,” Jennifer informed her.

Delilah’s face fell and she began to pout. “But who is going to protect me from dragons?”

“Well I could -”

“No,” Delilah said decidedly, not even giving the oldest sister a chance to finish her sentence. “I need a knight, and you’re not a knight.”

“You’re right, I’m not,” Jennifer admitted. “I know one though.”

“You do?” Delilah perked up immediately. “Who? Who? Who? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.”

“I’ll tell you, but you have to make me a promise, okay?”

“Okay. Tell me! Who’s a knight?”

“Coo’s boyfriend, Leonard.”

“Really?!”

“Really, but you have to ask him very nicely if he’ll play with you, and if he says no you can’t be mad or throw a fit, okay?”

“Okay, I promise,” Delilah agreed quickly running out of the room only to return a few seconds later with a very serious and thoughtful expression on her face. “And you’re _sure_ he’s a knight?”

“He’s in the army with Coo.”

Which was a good enough answer for the youngest Caboose, who sped off to find her new knight.

Church was idly wandering around and was looking at some framed family photos when he felt a tugging at the bottom of his shirt. He turned his attention to the smallest sister. “Yes?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Swear your loyalty to me.”

“What?” he asked, understandably a bit confused.

“That’s not asking, Delilah,” Jennifer spoke up from the doorway, where she was watching the interaction.

Delilah looked up at Church, and asked as sweetly as she knew how to. “Will you _please_ swear your loyalty to me brave knight? Please, please, pleeeeeeeeeease?” she begged.

As he looked down at the little girl in a frilly pink dress with a plastic tiara on her head, Church knew that he couldn’t say no even though he wasn’t one hundred percent certain what he was saying yes to. “Why do you need a knight?” he asked instead.

“To protect me from dragons.” the ‘duh’ was heavily implied.

“And you can’t fight them off yourself?” Church asked her.

“I’m the princess,” Delilah explained. “That’s the knight’s job.”

“Some of the best fighters that I know…” Church hesitated. He would never in his wildest dreams could have imagined a situation in which he would have to call Tex a princess, but here it was. _Allison would kill me._ “are princesses.”

“Really?” Delilah’s eyes went wide in awe.

“Yeah, even better fighters than me.” _Not that that is a very high bar to beat, but still…_

“So I can be a knight _and_ a princess?” she asked, looking at Church expectantly, bouncing in anticipation of the answer.

It reminded Church of Michael not all that long ago.

_“Am I cute enough to go on vacation with? Will you spend your leaf with me Church? Please?”_

Apparently he had a soft spot for bouncing Cabooses. “Of course you can. If you want, I can even show you how to fight off dragons.”

Delilah squealed in delight and latched on to Church’s leg. “Can we start now? Can we? Can we? Can we?”

“...Sure,” Church replied, once again wondering what he had just gotten himself into. “First we are going to need shields.”

“And swords, and helmets, and armor, and horses!” Delilah exclaimed, nodding insistently.

 _Perhaps_ , Church thought, _I am in a bit over my head here._

Which is when Jennifer came into the room carrying a pair of foam swords and bicycle helmets.

“I thought these might be a bit helpful for dragon slaying.”

When Church’s only response was a raised eyebrow, trying to ask how she’d known they would need these items, or why they owned foam swords in the first place, Jennifer told him.

“She is far from the first one to go through a phase like this. Knights, pirates, samurais,” she listed off with a fond chuckle.

“Thank you Jenny, you’re the best!” Delilah exclaimed, rushing over to the eldest sister and hastily grabbing the equipment from her hands and scrambling to put the helmet on as if she could already see a dragon fast approaching.

“Thanks,” Church said for the second time that day, the word feeling no less odd in is his mouth with the repetition.

“You are keeping Delilah occupied, I should be thanking you,” Jennifer replied. “I won’t be far, so if you need help with her or anything, just holler.”

Church nodded in understanding and then Jennifer left, leaving him alone with the youngest of Caboose’s sisters.

“Okay,” I’m ready!” Delilah announced, bicycle helmet on and foam sword in hand.

She then proceeded to hand her impromptu instructor the instruments that he would need for him to teach her how to fight off every princess’ greatest foe: dragons.

Once Church was properly outfitted for the task at hand, he grabbed two pillows off of a nearby couch. “Shields,” the blue soldier began, “are very important.”

They spent the next two hours fighting off monsters, taking a quick lunch break somewhere in the middle. After two hours though, Jennifer returned and announced that it was time for Delilah’s nap. There was some protesting on the part of the princess, but she went without putting up too much of a fight.

Then once more, Church found himself alone, wondering what he was supposed to do until Caboose returned.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So perhaps explaining my system for naming all of the sisters wasn't strictly necessary, and I doubt anyone was really curious, but I put a fair bit of thought and effort into that and this was the first time I felt there was kind of a place to actually put it in the story. So ta da! Also, I've finally figured out/organized/listed the sisters from oldest to youngest. Which I may have been actively avoiding doing this entire time because it seemed like a lot of work. I might put that in the notes of chapter 10, although it doesn't really come into play until chapter 11.


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